Understanding Your ‘Emotional Fitness’
I remember hitting a major milestone in my career, and my phone lit up with oodles of congratulations texts from friends and family. And as I sat alone in my office in the immediate aftermath of this huge victory, I felt a weird mix of total stunned silence and immense relief.
And then all of that was very quickly followed by this sense of: Okay, so now what?
Years of hard work had finally paid off, and I was suddenly hit with this feeling of emptiness inside, like something was still missing. And that experience, that disconnect between external success and internal peace, is what we're tackling today.
Plus, what to do about it (hint: it has something to do with emotional fitness).
The Hidden Cost of Being Really Good at Your Career
Here's a hard truth I had to learn:
All the things that made me really good in my career, my ability to put my feelings aside and focus on my goals, had earned me a lot of external success metrics, but I had paid an invisible cost.
And here is why: As high-achieving women, we're really good at figuring out what we need to do to earn the gold stars.
We pay attention to what earns us good grades, good progress reports, and good career momentum. And so we adapt to become all the things that the system rewards, and we shut down all the parts of us that interfere with those system rewards.
But what if I told you it doesn't have to be this way?
What if I said you can be ambitious and a go-getter, and in the midst of all the pursuit, you can also develop a quiet, grounded inner peace that anchors you and holds you firm?
Why You're a High Achiever and Yet Secretly Stuck
You know how to produce and perform. You're very good at figuring out the roadmap to professional success. You can see what the criteria are that you need to hit to achieve certain milestones, and then you can put your head down and just get it done.
Your ability to be hyper-aware of what gets rewarded by your industry and what doesn't has served you well in your career.
But there's a hidden cost to it.
You've adapted to letting others define what is good enough and what isn't, and you've had to disconnect from the parts of you that get in the way of those success metrics—because the system doesn't reward women who move too slowly or who get teary and overwhelmed or who second-guess the meaning and purpose behind why we're doing what we're doing.
And here's the dilemma:
We feel trapped in a career that's burning us out, that constantly demands more than we feel we have the capacity to give, and yet there doesn't seem to be any room to tap the brakes and take care of our inner needs, let alone think about what if we need to find an off-ramp.
And layered on top of all of that is the hot mess that seems to be this whole inner work thing.
Where is the project plan for emotional resilience? No? Didn’t get one either?
There doesn't seem to be a clearly mapped out "how to do inner work protocol," and that's super frustrating for those of us who value structure and efficiency.
The predictability of our professional lives is comforting because certain inputs can reliably produce certain outcomes. I have to study these materials to pass the exam. I have to complete these projects to earn the promotion. That's clear, and that's doable.
But navigating our emotional landscape? That's a whole other kettle of fish. And it can feel like being dropped into the wilderness without a map, a survival kit, or any preparation.
And it's no wonder that a lot of us look at that and just say, "Yeah, uh, no thank you"—until that emotional wilderness can no longer be ignored.
But it doesn't actually have to be that way.
You can start your emotional journey with proper preparation, a good map, and a sufficient survival kit that's actually fully customized to your specific needs.
Reframing: Emotional Wellness as Emotional Fitness
Let me share an analogy that will make this whole process much clearer.
Let's start by reframing the concept of emotional wellness as emotional fitness.
Just like physical fitness means your body is strong and flexible and can handle physical demands without injury, emotional fitness means you're emotionally agile, resilient, and have the stamina to navigate life's challenges. When we decide to get physically fit, we don't just show up at the gym and start randomly lifting weights. That's a recipe for injury.
Instead, we're probably going to look into some kind of workout program, ideally with an experienced trainer who first assesses our current condition, identifies any past injuries or joint problems or muscle imbalances, and then creates a personalized training plan just for us. And these same principles apply to emotional fitness.
We need to first understand our current emotional posture and see what might be out of alignment.
And this is where the concept of emotional injuries comes into play.
Understanding Emotional Injuries
Just like chronic physical pain signals that something's wrong, our emotional aches and pains, which we all have, are little signals that something needs our attention. And we all have emotional aches and pains because all of us have experienced some degree of hurt and some degree of emotional wounding.
Most of these emotional wounds don't linger. They sting momentarily, and then they fade.
But when certain emotional patterns keep recurring, no matter how much we try to dismiss them, that is a signal worth paying attention to.
Here's what an emotional injury might look like:
Maybe you've experienced a significant setback or rejection. The initial hurt and disappointment is totally normal, and with proper support and processing, most people can integrate that experience, learn from it, and move forward without any lingering impact.
But when we don't actually have the opportunity or tools to process these experiences, especially as high achievers who tend to compartmentalize, the emotional injury stays stuck in our system. It doesn't heal. And whenever something pokes or activates that old wound, the pain resurfaces, sometimes with surprising intensity.
So we adapt to it by forming certain thoughts and narratives and behavioral patterns to deal with the ongoing pain.
These unhealed emotional injuries affect how we see ourselves and the world around us, and they very often lead to subconscious beliefs like:
"I'm not enough."
"My feelings don't matter."
"I have to be perfect to be accepted."
How Emotional Injuries Show Up in High Achievers
1. Emotional Disconnection
We're really good at compartmentalizing because this allows us to function really well at work, regardless of whatever personal struggles we're dealing with. We've mastered turning feelings off in order to focus on what needs to be done.
This has led to a lot of career success, but too often leaves us feeling emotionally numb or detached, and this shows up in our relationships, where we sometimes oscillate back and forth between being really independent and emotionally distant and feeling really emotionally fragile and insecure.
2. Composed Exterior…Restless Interior
We're really good at putting on a very composed exterior, especially at work, but we often have this simmering emotional restlessness just below the surface. We can't really put our finger on what exactly this thing is, but it's always there…this background hum of emotional restlessness.
3. Imposter Syndrome
Despite our accomplishments, we often feel like we don't fully belong at the table. We tend to be hyper-aware of all the flaws in our work. It's hard for us to accept compliments, and we tend to struggle to acknowledge and really celebrate our successes.
4. Binary Operating System
As high achievers, we've developed what I call a binary operating system. We tend to function in extremes. We're either in full throttle productivity mode or we're completely shut down.
We don't really know how to achieve a balanced middle ground where we can approach work from a place of healthy, grounded emotional regulation—where we can work hard with a calm sense of focus, self-compassion, and proper pacing.
5. Self-Care Strategies Don't Work
One of the most common things I've seen in my high-achieving clients (and this was true for me too) is that we've tried all the self-care strategies and they don't really seem to work for us.
And here's why:
Because our emotional aches and pains aren't just about stress management. They're about a fundamental misalignment in our emotional posture.
And so all the self-care strategies in the world aren't going to help us identify and fix how past experiences are subconsciously sabotaging our emotional alignment today.
The Good News
There is good news. There is a way to heal your emotional aches and pains so that they are finally and fully resolved, and you don't have to live with them anymore. And the key, just like with physical fitness, is that your emotional fitness plan needs to be fully customized to fit you.
Just like some of us physically need to focus more on flexibility and low and slow endurance training, while others might need to focus more on strength training, our emotional fitness also needs to be highly individualized.
There is no one-size-fits-all because your story, your past experiences, and your current life circumstances are all unique to you and all need to be factored into your emotional fitness plan.
My Promise to You
There is a way to achieve emotional wellness that also honors who you are as a high achiever. You can heal those persistent emotional aches and pains. You can pursue ambitious goals while also being kind to yourself. You don't need to white-knuckle your way through life in a constant state of agitation and overwhelm.
Because you are more than capable of getting to a place of grounded peace and calm and wholeness and vibrant emotional health.
You can get to the other side of all the emotional agitation. And now is your time.
Ready to assess your current emotional fitness?
Take the Emotional Fitness Assessment here to see where you are right now across the 4 pillars of emotional mastery and get your personalized next steps.
As always, I'm cheering for you.
— Dr. Maria
