When Mind-Over-Matter Fails…
I'll never forget when, on a regular Wednesday, halfway through my doctoral training, I sat down at my desk and opened my books to study, only to see strange little squiggles and symbols staring back at me.
My initial thought was that my eyes were just strained because I'd been pushing myself pretty hard and was under a lot of stress. I closed my eyes and opened them again. But those strange symbols were still there. And I sat dazed for a few moments trying to understand what was going on when suddenly it hit me.
I had lost the ability to read.
I couldn't recognize letters or words. And something was very, very wrong. My immediate reaction was to call my family doctor and get extensions for school. Was I worried about my brain? Nope. It was just stress. Protecting my academic performance was the only reason I made that appointment…
But because my family doc is a great clinician, she did a thorough assessment and asked a whole bunch of questions.
And then came another moment I'll never forget…
Maria, she said gently, I’m referring you to emergency psychiatry. I'd never struggled with any aspect of mental health before this.
My whole world crumbled in that moment.
The mind over matter mantra had always served me really well until it suddenly and spectacularly didn't serve me at all.
Fast-Forward Ten Years…
That was over ten years ago, and since then, Humpty Dumpty has been put back together again.
I've been able to fully heal my mind. I returned to school and moved on with my life. And as part of my own healing journey, I had to really wrestle with this dual reality: If it is to be, it is ultimately up to me. If we want to achieve certain things, we have to work hard. That ambition is not wrong if held in healthy ways. And how to hold all of this with the simultaneous truth that, as Audre Lorde said, caring for myself is not self-indulgence. It is self-preservation.
The High-Achiever's Paradox
How do we, as motivated, high-achieving, ambitious women, balance these two?
Especially in seasons where, in order to get to where we want to go, we need to put our heads down and grind. Because hard work matters. And what happens when that season of grind just never ends because the next pursuit is always looming.
How do we know when to slow down and when to speed up? And ultimately, how do we understand who we truly are in the absence of our achievements?
When we move past all the accolades and credentials, what are we really left with? And where do we go with all these questions? How do we find our way through them?
My Story Doesn't Have to Be Your Story
The story of being pushed to the point of breaking is a human story. It was my story. And it was the story of a lot of my clients in my clinical practice.
But it doesn't have to be your story, at least not the entirely breaking part, because there is a way to manage all of this, the vision, the ambition, the passion to create and develop and pursue, the sense of urgency. After all, life is short, without pushing yourself to the breaking point.
Which we all have, by the way. Because our bones can break, our organs can shut down, and sometimes our minds can too. There's nothing shameful about that.
So how do we manage emotional pain?
How do we slowly start to take off that mask that we've worn for so long, because it's served us so well?
How do we begin to navigate our own inner emotional terrain that we've neglected and avoided because it feels… a little dangerous?
How do we learn new and healthier ways of managing our emotions, because we secretly know that our current strategies aren't working very well?
Strategies, such as when hard emotions surface, we tend to:
Push them away. We don't have time for this right now.
Minimize. Other people have real problems. This is nothing.
Defer. I'll process this on the weekend. (And, spoiler alert, we never do.)
Over-function. If I just work harder, this feeling will go away.
Part of the human experience is emotional pain. But for most of us, we haven't been taught what to do with this pain. The doubts, the insecurity, the sense of not being enough. The loneliness is because underneath it all is a scared, uncertain, and exhausted real person we've never really allowed anyone to truly see.
We haven't been given a map for navigating all of this. Instead, we're used to being handed gold stars for pushing emotions aside and powering through.
But it comes at a cost. And eventually, that cost becomes too much.
The Journey Within
So how do we do this work?
We can think of the process of emotional resilience as an inner climb to scale a mountain. The mountain represents your internal emotional landscape and the current emotional blocks that are holding you back. And on the other side of this journey is your true, whole, authentic self.
Not who others expect you to be, but who you really are.
Who you are in the absence of doubt and insecurity and shame and blame. Who you really are when you feel anchored and grounded. Who you truly are when you can show up totally, authentically, fully, healthy, you.
This is the journey of being able to process through and navigate our own inner world.
We're always going to be growing and evolving, we're never going to fully arrive, we're never going to be perfect. But each one of us can definitely land in a place where we have developed emotional nimbleness—meaning we have the emotional skillset to know how to manage our emotions and our inner world in a healthy and grounded way.
And a big part of that is learning how to unhook from unhealthy stories and narratives and behavioral patterns and how to tap into and connect with our innate emotional intelligence and inner wisdom that we all have.
It's about navigating the path to summit your own inner emotional world so you can land in a place of being connected to your true, whole, authentic spirit that is fully grounded, that is connected to your beautiful, wise sense of self.
What Life Looks Like on the Other Side
I want to take a moment and describe what it looks like on the other side of your emotional blocks because it's really important to have a sense of where this journey can take you.
Here's what life on the other side can look like:
You can experience emotions without being hijacked by them. You are no longer defined and limited by your past.
You trust yourself. You know that your thoughts, feelings, and decisions are valid, and you know how to experience and explore your inner world and decision-making process in healthy and wise ways. You feel stable, whole, and deeply grounded. You experience meaning and purpose in a way that feels real and deeply embodied within your sense of self.
You know who you are, what you value, and how you want to show up in this world. You have confidence in yourself, your choices, and your ability to handle life's ups and downs.
And this next bit is really, really important—this is one of the key definitions of getting to the other side of emotional blocks. Life will always be throwing us challenges in one way or another. But when you get to the other side of all the emotional baggage and messaging that is not yours to carry, you know that no matter what, you are going to be okay, because you know who you are and you trust yourself.
You trust your capacity to manage and navigate whatever life throws at you, because you have some serious and hard evidence to back this up. You've navigated some deep inner waters, you've built a strong inner world, and you understand your inherent resilience.
You handle conflict differently. Instead of avoiding hard conversations or becoming emotionally unhinged, you can respond with clarity and confidence because you know who you are, you know your values and principles, and these are your guiding lights in all situations. You have clarity and wisdom in how to handle conflict, and you can do so with grace and kindness while remaining firm in your values and principles.
You maintain good, healthy emotional boundaries. You're no longer pulled into toxic dynamics. You say no when something doesn't align with your values, and you can do this without feeling guilty. You know what you will and will not do, and you are able to graciously and firmly stand anchored in your boundaries.
You are no longer manipulated or pressured or guilted or shamed into anything. You know how to say no, hold firm to no, and not be persuaded or impacted by the other person's unhealthy reactions to no or not yet. You know who you are and what you will and will not do, and how you will and won't show up in life, at work, and in relationships.
You experience relationships very differently. You attract and sustain healthy, reciprocal relationships because you show up as your whole, authentic self. You have done your own work, and you know what this looks like and doesn't look like in others.
You are able to gracefully exit relationships that are unhealthy and no longer serve you well. And for challenging relationships with individuals who will always be connected to you in some way, like family, you know how to navigate these relationships on your terms.
You make decisions differently. Instead of making choices based on fear, obligation, or self-doubt, you make them in alignment with your true self, with your values and principles. You have a clear compass and operating system, and this gives you a tremendous sense of calm because you are rooted and anchored within.
And because of this, you can step into and maintain your inner integrity, which you've clearly defined, so you can consistently make decisions that are in alignment with who you are and how you've chosen to show up in life.
Yes, it is possible.
Life will always have its challenges, but we don't have to white-knuckle our way through them. There is a way to hold all of it with tender, open hands and to enjoy the ride wherever it takes us. There is a way to thrive in the midst of the challenges.
There is a way to cultivate a deep sense of okayness—that no matter what, you can and will be okay, because you've done your own inner work, and because you've gotten to a place where your internal wellbeing is not dependent on your external circumstances.
That is possible.
More than anything, I want you to experience this gift of inner wisdom and emotional mastery because you know how to remain anchored to what really matters most and because you have learned how to become healthy and grounded within the most important relationship you'll ever have.
The relationship that you have with yourself. How you treat yourself. How you show up for yourself. And how you navigate your own inner world.
That is the foundation upon which everything else builds.
We cannot go wrong when we continue to prioritize our own inner work in healing. When we choose grace over rigid judgment. When we let go of tight-fistedness and learn to hold everything with open hands. When we pursue emotional health and wholeness. When we lean into kindness and the pursuit of wisdom and discernment.
That is a life worth living.
Wondering where to go from here?
Take the Emotional Fitness Assessment to see where you are right now across the 4 pillars of emotional mastery—and get your personalized next steps.
Or if you're ready to build your customized Emotional Operating System, apply to work with me 1:1.
As always, I'm cheering for you.
— Dr. Maria
